Watch your Tone

yesterday I had a meeting at my son's school regarding his absences due to illness.  that's not really the point of this post, but what IS the point is that one of the people that attended was not on the guest list.  Apparently she was a representative of the county school system's medical/nursing department.  We did not agree on much - I found her to be condescending and insensitive to my child's needs.  It made me realize that sometimes we should be aware of how we come across to people.  Sometimes you get caught up in your own persona to the point that you forget that another person's perception is their reality.  This lady,  on 2 occassions, said something like, "do you understand what I mean, does that make sense?".  saying in that way made me think, "what the hell?  does she think I am stupid or something?"  The second time she said that, I told her that I was well aware of what she was talking about, and that I did not understand her "tone".  She did not say it in that way again, so I guess that was an effective statement! 
It is important sometimes to understand how you come across to others.  Think of yourself as a radio tower that is sending out a constant signal.  Every person gives off a certain energy based on what they say, body language, mannerisms, etc.  Be mindful of these things.  My body language to her was probably that I was completely in disagreement and bored while waiting for her to stop telling me things I already knew.  Luckily for me, though, I have learned to wait and make my retort more effective by letting all the wind in their sails pass by before I make my statement. 
Be mindful of what you are putting out there.  remember the radio station signal analogy.  do people want to tune in and stay locked in, or do they keep looking around for another station?

Being patient is hard

I can speak on this subject because I am very impatient.  If it was not for my methodical approach to dealing with things, I would probably go crazy.  Patience is not something that is taught, but something that is endured and leads to the strenghtening of an individual (in my opinion).  I have many things right now in my life that I want solved, completed, and crossed off the list, but sometimes life just does not work that way.  All you can do is keep plugging away and chipping little by little until you get what you want.  I typically approach these things at different angles. I try to do little things to get to the goal, and try different approaches.  Mixing it up like that makes it better for me because if not, it gets very mundane and even more frustrating. 
They say patience is a virtue.  Virtues is defined as:  "a positive trait or quality deemed to be morally good and thus is valued as a foundation of principle and good moral being."  wow, that sounds like fun!  like eating brussell sprouts (if you ask me) - but we all have to do it sometimes.  frustration is just negative energy that serves no purpose.  Motivate yourself to DO SOMETHING and use your energy for a result.  I have had to make phone calls, send emails, do menial tasks that I did not enjoy and not get results that I wanted.  One of my pet peeves is when I make a phone call and leave a message, only to get no reply!  I call again and again, and I finally get someone on the phone.  By this time, I am frustrated (of course).  I do keep trying though - that way I feel self-assured that I am doing all I can. 
Hang in there, try to be patient, and keep working - it will pay off! 

If you could live in a drunken stupor, would you?

So I just came back to work from a 3 day labor day weekend.  it was nice not to have to get up early and drag myself to work.  I watched some football, did some yard work, and did all the little things I just never seem to get time to do.  My wife was sure to buy us some "beverages" for the weekend, and that was nice as well.  I was thinking to myself - "what if it could always be like this?" - with the relaxation, getting things done, and then I thought, "what if you could just exist in a drunken stupor with no side-effects?"
what I mean is a reality that is everyday euphoria with no worries.  a reality where you can just go from minute to minute, hour to hour with none of the anxiety that comes with the daily stress of going to work, to school, driving in traffic and paying the bills.  of course the down-side would be that those things would take a back seat, and at some point.  you will have to address them.  that would be interesting.
I realize this probably sounds like "The Matrix" or something.  Reality is mostly perceived by the individual, and yet, there are things that happen in the "global consciousness" that affect everyone.  I can change my life just by reacting and perceiving things in a different way.  not to say that is easy, but it can be done.  It happens to many people after life-changing events. 
so I guess I would probably choose to create and stay in my current reality rather than choose the euphoria-induced reality.  that is just my choice.  what would you choose?

beware of black holes - getting sucked into other people's drama

 

For any of you who have taken the Myers-Briggs personality test, you will know what it means when I say I am an INTJ.  for those of you who have not taken it, I would encourage you to do so.  You will be surprised how many others there are out there like you.  You can take the test at www.humanmetrics.com.
anyways, being an INTJ, I am in about 2% of the personality type population.  this of course, makes me "special", but being special also makes my personality much different than a large part of the population. 
one of my main characterics is that I am an introvert, meaning that I get energy from inside my mind.  Creative, analytical, introspective - I live in my own little world inside my head.  So one of the things that is SO tiresome to me is getting sucked into other peroson's drama.  I probably get glassy-eyed and look uncomfortable when people are going on and on about this horrible thing that happened to them today (that is most likely not horrible at all,) or what someone said, (blah, blah, blah.)  turns out that the extroverts get their energy from outside stimulus.  their minds need to be filled up with outside events, like what everyone is doing, latest news, gossip, etc.  I am sure there are people out there that LOVE to hear all the drama they can get. all the "Oh my!" and "Oh, dear!" you can handle. 
but be careful, my friends, because drama becomes a black hole you get sucked into.  once you are involved, you take on a part of the drama.  Like a little planet that is floating closer to a black hole, it starts to pull on you and starts sucking you in.  early on, you can try to get away and maybe escape the pull.  if you don't, you fall aimlessly into the drama and you will not escape.  now you are involved, giving opinions, showing empathy, showing concern.  I say "showing" honestly because you may not give a damn, but you are just faking it.  that is dangerous.  pretty soon, you become part of the drama- now your name enters the drama story.  "so-and-so said they agree with me" or "so-and-so said that was wrong."  beware that if you are going to succumb to the drama, you have accountability and you may be pulled into the black hole drama of doom.
personally, I avoid unnecessary drama like someone just farted near me.  I leave as soon as possible.  As an extra, I give off an energy vibe that just makes the person feel like maybe I am not the best person to talk to.  I may say something reassuring and then I kindly exit.  This is just normal INTJ behavior - that is what I will blame it on.  yeah.  

leaving your family with the medical bills

I was thinking the other day (morbidly) that when someone has a medical emergency like a heart-attack or major illness, you can go to the emergency room or hospital with no problem, but you get the bill later, no matter what.  my son was asking me how that all worked and I told him that basically, they send you a bill - If you don't pay it, they send it to collections, which affects your credit.
it is amazing in this country with all the buzz about health care that we can't seem to get it together like some other countries that have health care systems.  I just read an article on the nationalized health care systems in Europe and Canada.  apparently, Germany led the way for nationalized health care way back in the day.  citizens participate by paying into the system thru taxes, they have the option of private insurance in addition to nationalized health care as well.  the government negotiates the best deal with private companies to keep the costs down.  i am sure it is more complicated than all of that, but the bottom line is that it is working for the majority and the whole country is not bitching about how much health care sucks (like people in this country do.)
the problem here in the states, (in my opinion) is with politics and special interest groups who are greedy bastards. They really just care about themselves.  we see it again and again - big business that gets too greedy and get caught.  Wall Street, ENRON, Congress?  As much as everyone is complaining about Obama's health care, it is really just a big step towards nationalization of health care, which is working in other countries just fine.  we like to complain when we have to pay taxes or put more money into something, but really it is up to our government to collect taxes and then allocate some of those funds to different departments.  I would rather pay tax on having health care than paying for some other useless thing that the government decided to spend money on.  unfortunately, we don't directly participate in those decisions. The idea of allowing drug companies and medical care providers to compete among each other for government health care and supplemental care seems fine.  as of now, the drug companies are hiking up the costs, the doctors are hiking up their fees, and medical professionals are scrambling to keep up the pace.  It seems like everyone is trying hard to not lose money, so of course everything gets out of whack. 
So right now, everything is expensive and getting more expensive every day.  I looked online and the average heart attack costs about $50000 to pay for.  That is actually from a few years ago so I imagine it is probably more now. 
what sucks is that when you are faced with a life-threatening emergency, you have no choice but to seek help.  afterwards, you receive a bill big enough to put you in the hospital again.  It would be like someone told me I had to buy a new car, and if not, we will sent that debt to collections.  that just simply does not work for the majority of us. 
what's even worse is when someone goes through a long struggle and passes away.  this leaves the family with all the medical bills, along with the grief of losing a loved one. it almost makes you feel bad to get sick or need urgent care because you will burden your family with medical expenses.  this is not how it should be. 

the problem with thinking you're perfect

you know sometimes we seem to lose focus in life.  We think that our little world is the only world that matters.  In a way, this is true - you control your life just by your thoughts and actions and responses.  you should always try to improve your life and be the best person you can - if that is what you aspire to do.  the only problem with that mindset, though, is that sometimes you forget to step out of your mind and see things from another perspective. 
one of the best kept secrets in life is that when you give to others freely, with no strings attached and nothing expected in return, you will be happy.  there is a certain empowerment that comes from giving something to someone just for the sake of kindness.  kindness is also a form of love, and love is the source of all happiness.  think now about what you love to do.  think about one of your favorite people, or a place that you like to be or would like to be right now.  love is associated with this feeling.  if not, please let me know what it is you feel, i would be interested to know. 
in my opinion, it is sometimes a wise thing to consider another person's likes, dislikes, and what is going on in their life.  Zig Ziglar made a great point when he said you should listen to others and take interest in what they have to say.  We tend to take what others say and relate it to our own lives - all the while not fully listening or trying to relate to what the other person is saying. 
in some extreme cases, people just totally disregard other people.  these people are so embedded in their world that nothing outside of it even merits recognition.  i like the color red - if you don't like red, you are stupid and insignificant.  what I like is law.  what I like is the only possible option.  these kind of people are hard to deal with because they are so content in their shell of comfort that they may get aggressive or hostile if you try to pull them out.  It is like trying to pull a sleeping child out of bed on a school day! 
Take some time today and try to really consider someone else you know, or even a stranger - just consider their life and what they may be going through.  It is good to think about others sometimes just to broaden your own thinking about how the world works.  practice this and I think you will feel better and more "in touch" with the world around you.

Set your Standards Higher

I just watched a great video clip from Tony Robbins where he was talking about the standards we allow for ourselves.  He talked about how we all have potential to make something of ourselves, yet we don't always do it.  He told a story about a bum on the street that asked him if he could "borrow a quarter"  Tony had more than a quarter, and the man saw that, but the man still only wanted a quarter.  Tony told the man that "life will pay you only what you ask for" and the man thought that was crazy. I think it is interesting that we all write our own stories.  as we grow up, we form perceptions of ourself and sometimes that helps or hinders us, based on those beliefs. We often sell ourselves short and settle for less because it is just not the effort to keep pushing forward.  

I for one realized after seeing Tony's speech that I have probably set my standards at "just above water"  I don't have excess and I get by.  I am grateful for all I have but I realize that I need to set the bar a lot higher for myself.  I think it is a good idea for all of us at some point to evaluate where we are in our lives.  We should ask if our self-standards are right for us.  As for myself, I am working on evaluating and focusing on raising my standards.

Learn from your emotions

learning from your emotions sounds a bit crazy but it has actually helped me quite a bit.  unfortunately, my work place provides me a great deal of opportunities to be frustrated, mad and irritated.  I work with a lot of people that are (in my opinion) lazy, selfish and incompetent.  of course, these are by my standards.  I have high standards for myself and those around me.  my judging mind feels like others should do their job to their best ability - but clearly, that is not the case.
I realized that these people that get me wound up are controlling my emotions.  whenever I get angry, I try to ask myself what is causing that anger.  seeing others do a poor job and then get away with it irritates me.  not taking care of customers and serving your own best interests irritates me.  the fact that they don't give a crap irritates me.  but then if I think about it, I just said "people that get me wound up are controlling my emotions."  You would think that only I control my emotions.  turns out I do.
When you feel emotions (and you will) it is a good idea so think about why you feel the way you do and what is causing it.  I know many of you will think of anger and say it is some @#$%! that caused you to be upset.  but maybe after that emotion subsides you can look inside to see why you were angry. 
in my own experience, I realized that I let these other people, places or things make me mad.  Most of the time, they are not affected at all by what they are doing.  In my case, the guy who comes in late, takes half-a-day smoke breaks and works as little as possible is not the least bit angry - heck, he is probably perfectly content with how things are going.
when you are worried, upset, angry or frustrated, take a moment to think about what is causing that emotion and identify what you need to do to change that negative emotion.  If something makes you happy, excited or joyful - do the same thing.  try to be "in control" instead of "being controlled."

Your Energy is Precious

 

lately, I have been very careful in trying to conserve energy - MY energy.  I am trying not to spend my mental or physical energy on the things that have no purpose at all.  spending my time worrying about something beyond my control is a major energy sapper.  we all do it - something comes up and we mentally process the "what-ifs" and "what am I going to do?" statements.  We write stories in our mind and make up details with little effort - typically coming to a bad ending.  We write a script of what we would say, what others would say, what would happen, etc.  I have learned to recognize when this happens and catch myself.  It is time wasted and energy spend to no good end. 
physically, I am not getting younger and I try to look at what I do and limit myself to a reasonable time of exertion.  I am no couch potato and I am more inclined to over-do than under-do.  I have come to realize that I can not achieve everything I want in a day - I need to prioritize and come up with a couple of things that I will achieve and then leave it at that.  I realize that idle time and relaxing are important.  It is important to take some time and center yourself, allowing your mind to rest and allowing your body some time to restore itself.  I have been trying to work on meditating (still working on finding time for it) because I know the benefits are great.
All in all, your energy is a precious resource and you should not squander it.  take care of yourself mentally and physically and you can achieve more

we like to tear things down

i realized that we as human beings judge and criticize each other really because it is in our nature.  we constantly find fault and make judgements because (quite honestly) we need to criticize others to make us feel better . how can we live with ourselves knowing that someone else is having a great time, being true to themselves, and being damn near perfect at the same time?  It makes us look bad!
We as a society feed on conflict and imperfection.  How many race fans out there don't absolutely love it when a car hits the wall and bursts into flame?
-the coliseum in Rome was not created for poetry reading
-football is popular because it is an aggressive sport
-we love reality shows that eliminate contestants, especially when they get mad and/or cry
I think that if everything went according to plan, or if people were near-perfect and upstanding in every way, we would become bored with them.  what fun is life without conflict?  We seek peace and quiet, but it doesn't satisfy us in the long run. we need something to happen, something exciting to keep things interesting. 
we need to tear things down to find the conflict within.

the life philosophy cushion

I was thinking the other day..  about how people fashion their life philosophy around their current conditions (financial, family, work, etc.) i realized that i do the exact same thing, and until now i figured it was completely normal.  but i started to wonder.. what if my conditions changed suddenly?  i will use myself as an example to make it easy.
i am the father of 3 children.  i have a WONDERFUL wife and live in a townhome.  we used to have a home, but working in the automotive industry is a bit sketchy sometimes and we have moved around a bit. burnout is something i deal with daily, but i keep busy and make money.  of course, i would like to change careers and live in a home- and this is the focal point of this discussion:

-we all want something we may not have - how we deal with it is up to us

i have a feeling that we cope with these issues by surrounding ourselves with s upporting ideas.  for example, i look to new age type books for positive thought, new age philosophies that support living a life not based on materialism.  of course, i would love to have lots of things, but these philosophies tell me that having "things" does not make me happy.  i also have read books that talk about "living in the moment" and "being one with your source (God)."
i do believe in these ideas and i think it makes daily life much better for me and my family.  what i am starting to question is if my adopted philosophies would change if i was suddenly rich and successful by our modern-day standards.
perhaps i would not be so concerned about whether i have things or not.  maybe i would be a more charitable person to others in need.  maybe i would breathe easier, joke around more. live life a little fuller.  I would hope so, but it is really hard to say unless you are in that position.  as you are probably aware , there are plenty of rich, successful people that are unhappy and come to destructive ends.  maybe they had no philosophies or were stuck in a pattern of destructive behavior.  it is important to realize that we as human beings are frail and susceptible to harm just by our very own thinking and beliefs.
i can't give you the answer to this perplexing question, but i can nudge you a bit and ask you to think about your current situation. 

-what inspires you, motivates you?  can you live a more full life? 
-can you improve not only your life but the lives of others?

food for thought..

fun with martyrs

I work with the public, and I work with the same people everday.  I am very interested in observing people and trying to figure out what makes them tick.  I am a natural-born psychologist that enjoys observing other people (and messing with them sometimes.)  I have a few people I work with that are classic examples of martyrs, so I would like to talk about them.  I am sure we all work or deal with martyrs everyday (they're everywhere!)  I am just going to point out typical behavior and how to deal with them (and maybe poke a little bit at them.)

Wikipedia defines the everyday martyr as having a "complex"

  “a person who has a ‘martyr complex’ desires the feeling of being a martyr for its own sake, seeking out suffering or persecution because it feeds a psychological need.”

great!  what makes these type of people insufferable is that you have to listen to their whining, complaining and drama all the time.  i work with a guy that is one of the worst.  he "does everything" and "always has to take care of things himself."  he could really stand to learn a bit about delegation and time-management in my opinion, but as I learned from the bit of research I did, that will NEVER happen.  another wonderful tool of the common martyr is GUILT - used quite often to make others feel bad about what they DID NOT DO.  the martyr does not even have to say a word - just their "vibe" and their body language talk to you to tell you that you should have/could have done something but you DIDN'T!
what the hell is woring with you, anyways? An important thing to note is that if you know someone like this, don't expect them to change - they won't.  they will drive you absolutely crazy if you let them.  much of the information I read advises you to give in and make a comment that supports their pitiful whining, like "that must be rough" or "wow, good job taking care of that."  I don't thing that is much fun, though.  It is like watering a weed.  The weed will keep growing no matter what, but damn, why water it as well?
I guess I am cruel but I feel like blowing on the fire sometimes when it comes to these people.  I wilil tell you what I do - it's called NOT CARING and NOT GIVING IT ATTENTION!  I know that the behavior will continue no matter what I do or how I react, so I choose to not be sucked into the drama.  I think a martyr-type person will figure out that you are not going to play along if you simply put the vibe out that you are really not concerned about their trials and tribulations.  it works for me - and sometimes it takes a little while for them to catch on, but even bull-headed people can  understand when you simply are ignoring them or don't care.
anyways, that is my advice, take it for what its worth. just remember to SWIM AWAY FROM THE LARGE SWIRLING HOLE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE WATER OR YOU WILL GET SUCKED IN!